For the first time in my life I can confidently say that “I’m gonna make a difference in the world”. I know I’m not the only one out there that hopes and dreams that something that they have done will have affected someone so much that their life changed for the better. I have wanted that ever since I was little and I pray daily that I even a simple smile would make someone’s day better.
This semester I am taking 5 classes and so far I am loving all of them. Except Bio, the teacher is great but I have not taken anything science related since grade 10. So it has been a while. Other then that I am in a Bible class, Math (eww), and then two Psychology classes. Honestly, I am just so excited about my psych classes that I am already over a month a head in homework for both of them. I think I have found my calling. I sit in the front row in the classes and everything, and I am already hanging off every word the prof. has to say. I have the same prof. for both of my psych classes and she is very hands on, she asks lots of questions and has fun with it. In my 200 level class we were talking about how one aspect of our life, like the cognitive side, can affect our spiritual life, social, biological and our physical life and vise versa. All class she asked questions and for every question I would try to answer, but she never called on me. Near the end of the class she asked for examples on how one part of a humans psychology can affect another part of their psychology. People put up their hands giving basic answers. I stuck up my hand with no expectation that she would actually call on me, but also prepared to give another basic answer. She then called on me! In a panic, I opened up about my life in front of 100 plus students about my struggle with depression. I talked about how when I am depressed it affects my spiritual life and my physical life mainly, along with everything else we had talked about all class. I focused on my spiritual life and physical mainly and talked about how when I am at my lowest I do not go to God because I am so mad that he gave me this illness, and that I sometimes can’t even move or get out of bed because of how I am feeling. I finished what I was saying and the class got quiet, I had then realized how much I had said.
It felt like the longest silence ever, my prof. then looked at me and smile and was like “exactly, good job”. It got quiet again and she said to the class “and that concludes our class.” I WAS THE FINAL WORDS!! I just sat there stunned and a little bit embarrassed. I could not believe what I had just done. Just as I was about to beat up myself a friend leaned over and told me how proud she was of me and that she knew when she me that she was going to be able to look up to me. I continued to just sit there as the class let out, now proud of what I had done, as I packed up my books I looked up to see someone standing in front of me. She introduced herself and thanked me. She then continued to say that her best friend has depression and that it is so bad that she won’t even leave the house. She asked me why I said it and that I would courageous for doing it. We talked for a good 10 minutes as I began to explain why I refuse to keep my depression a secret and how to help her friend. I told her that I have been put down for having depression so much that it almost killed me. Meds and hospital visits became a constant thing. I started to realize though that I wasn’t the only one struggling with this. It finally got to the point where instead of saying woe is me I decided that there are people out there that do now have the support that I have or the access to meds and Dr’s like I did. I don’t know when but it hit me, I wanted to help the people without a voice.
After explaining all of this to her my heart was full. I wasn’t embarrassed anymore about opening up but proud. As I walked back to my dorm I started to think more and more about it. The teacher did not call on me all class and then at the end to be the closing words of the class. It just had to be God that wanted it! It happened for a reason! That is when I realized I am going to make a difference. If that is the only difference I ever made I am more than ok with that, because who knows I could have affected someone so much that they go and change the world. Let’s hope!
Now I do not mean to write this story to brag, if it came off that way at all I will be deleting this post. Instead my hopes for this post is to encourage those who are struggling to speak up and tell people. Keeping it in will do nothing but hurt you, I learned that the hard way. Talk to someone, go to the Dr. if need be. There is no shame in taking medicine for an illness, we all do it as some point. One note though: If you do go and talk to someone, and I strongly encourage you to speak up, please do not expect it to be better right away, please do not expect your problems to be fixed and whoever you to say it to be your crutch. Sometimes you need to do it yourself. It will take time, but it will get better.